刺青

老王年輕時, 英俊瀟灑, 走在時代的尖端, 小腹刺了一朵玫瑰, 故作神秘, 讓異性粉絲更為之瘋狂, 以看到他的刺青為榮. 四十年後, 大學同學會時, 老王肚大腰圓, 風釆不再. 大夥兒提到那朵玫瑰, 他感傷的說, 圖案被肚皮撐大後, 常常被問為什麼刺了一顆包心菜, 倒足胃口, 早已動手術去掉了.

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday school teacher asked her class: "Where is Jesus today?"

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out: "I know! I know! He's in the bathroom."
The teacher was completely at a loss and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said:
"This morning, my dad banged on the bathroom door and yelled 'Jesus, you still in there?'."

Annoying

Little Johnny followed his mom all around the house and asked questions:

When watched his mom combed her hair,

"Mommy, mommy? Why daddy has no hairs on his head?"

"He thinks a lot."

"Oh, I see why you have so much hair."

When watched his mom smoothed cold cream on her face,

"Mommy, mommy? Why do you do that?"

"Making myself beautiful." his mom answered and then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"Giving up?"

真情告白-手機簡訊版

1) 當我第一眼看見你, 就被你深深的吸引. 你的一舉一動, 都讓我忍不住想多看你兩眼. 現在, 我终於鼓起勇氣來對你說, 哇! 你真得很胖耶!

2) 最近總是想你, 我知道這樣不好, 但是不把心裏的話告訴你, 我會難過一輩子的. 不管你的決定是什麼, 我都不會勉強你, 如果你真的有困難, 那兩塊就別還了.

3) 在我最失意的時候, 你總是陪伴著我; 在我最需要幫助的時候, 你總是拉我一把; 千言萬語說不盡, 只想告訴你, 自從認識你後, 就沒發生過一件好事兒, 請你不要再來找我了!

中文拼音

聽說, 有位老美去台灣學了一個學期的中文, 回美國的前一晚, 宿舍裡的台灣同學們, 很溫馨的合送了他一份禮物, 讓他感動不已. 早晨離開前, 他用中文寫了一個謝卡留在桌上: "這是有屎以來, 糞量最重的禮物, 讓我大吃一斤, …"

我們非結婚不可

一對男女剛開始交往, 相談甚歡,

女:「我初戀的男友, 是開牛肉麵店的, 他和別人結婚後, 我發誓從此不再吃牛肉麵.」

男:「哦! 那妳第二位男朋友呢?」

女:「他是開計程車的, 他棄我而去後, 我自己買了部摩托車, 從此不再坐計程車.」
男:「嗯, 這樣子我們非結婚不可.」
女:「為什麼?」
男:「因為我是賣衣服的.」

女生的謙卑

如果長的好看是一種錯, 我已經鑄成大錯 .

如果可愛是一種罪, 我已經犯了滔天大罪 .
做人真難, 還是像妳沒錯也沒罪的比較好,

好羨慕妳喲!

得與失

精神病院的護理長, 向新上任的院長解說每位病人的狀況.

有位病人手中拿著一張照片, 邊哭邊用頭撞牆, 護理長說: "無論是醒是睡, 他都不肯把照片放下, 因為他深愛著照片中的那位女人, 但那位女人卻嫁給了別人, 他就發瘋了."

這時, 隔壁房間的一位病人, 也開始邊哭邊用頭撞牆, 新任院長問護理長: "那這位是怎麼了?"  護理長說: "就是他娶了照片中的那位女人."

也曾轟轟烈烈

小王單身, 平時不怎麼說話. 40歲生日時, 同事們請他吃飯. 一輪乾杯之後, 被解除了心防, 透露了他過去的感情生活, 原來也曾轟轟烈烈. 35歲之前, 就有三位女性要為他犧牲自己.

15歲, 英雄少年時, 有位女生願意為他去死, 她意志堅定的說: "走開啦! 你再來纏我, 我就死給你看!"

25歲, 負笈留美時, 有位女生願意等他一輩子, 她溫柔委婉的說: "想當我男朋友? 那要等到下輩子了!"

35歲, 生意失敗時, 有位女生願意和他共赴黃泉, 她白睛發赤的說: "再不還錢, 我就和你同歸於盡!"

Shots for Brothers

There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and every time I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"

Chickens With Heads Cut Off

One time, this was how an Evangelist started his preaching: "Someone said my sermons were like chickens with their heads cut off. Once you think the sermon was done, it just jumped back up and ran in another direction. I know what a good sermon is: It should have a good beginning. It should have a good ending. And they should be as close as possible. But, …"

講章

主任牧師渡假回來, 教會長老告訴他說: "上個主日崇拜, 一切順利, 只是代理主任牧師傳講的信息沒什麼內容." 第二天, 代理主任牧師告訴他說: "上個主日崇拜, 一切順利. 因為我沒時間準備, 只好用了桌上那份你下週要用的講章, 希望你不介意."

神賜靈糧

某基督教機構辦研討會, 邀請函的最上方, 是會議的主題: "神賜靈糧"; 最下方, 有一行小字: "午餐自備".

寶貝

有位老美, 到一位老中家做客. 主人向他介紹家裡的古董:

"這是唐朝的桃木桌子."
"Gosh!"
"這是宋朝的檜木椅子."
"Wow!"
"這是元朝的樟木箱子."

"Awesome!"

..., 老美注意到, 每件寶貝的後面, 這位老中都加了一個"子".

過了一會兒, 主人的太太為客人上茶, 老美看到她戴的手錶很名貴,

立刻讚美說: "好漂亮的錶子!"

良知

有一夜, 小王沒出去鬼混, 一個人在家裡喝酒, 喝的爛醉. 半夜從床上跳下來, 摸黑找襯衫,褲子, 摔了好幾跤. 他老婆問: "半夜了你要去哪裡?" 小王醉醺醺的說: "再不回家, 我老婆要殺人了!"