Well Behaved

Fully tuned up in a 3-day spiritual retreat held at a resort, 3 Pastors spent the last evening on the golf course. After several horrible shots, their caddy asked:
"Are you guys Pastors attending the retreat?"

"Actually, yes," one of them replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

All Your Fault

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed.

A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.

Say Grace

辜鴻銘先生(1857-1928), 是中國近代一位精通多種語言的國學大師. 早年剛來美國留學時, 他的Host Family請吃飯. 大家坐定後, 主人請他Say Grace (做謝飯禱告). 他不懂, 也從來沒聽說過主人家有一位Grace. 猜不出意思, 大家又都低著頭閉著眼睛在等他, 辜先生只好眼睛一閉, 大聲說: "Grace."

進出口

基督徒可以不說話, 但是說話時不可以說謊. 小王失業一陣子後, 只要朋友問: "最近在做什麼?" 他就很不自在, 不回答又怕朋友不自在. 後來再有朋友問, 他就說: "在家做點進出口." 好奇心重的, 馬上會問: "進口什麼?" 小王說: "食品." 還不死心的, 會接著問: "那出口呢?" 小王說: "肥料."

鑽石手環

有位姊妹需要動手術. 辦住院手續時, 醫護人員要幫她戴手環. 姊妹很緊張, 但故作輕鬆, 她問:「上面有鑽石嗎?」醫護人員說:「沒有, 不過價錢可能差不多.」

Flip the Switch

Service leader started differently this Sunday. He asked congregation to take out their cell phones and said: "Now is the time to turn off the technology and turn on each other."

難哪

小李快四十了, 還沒娶老婆. 有一次團契時, 弟兄姊妹紛紛為他出主意, 小李說: "沒用啦! 我認真約會過好多位了, 每次帶新的回家, 都是我爸覺得不錯, 但是我媽不同意." 有人問: "那為什麼不找一位各方面都像你媽的?" 小李洩氣的說: "早試過了, 只有那次是我爸不同意."

New Dentures

There was a Pastor just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The 1st Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The 2nd Sunday, he only preached 20 minutes. But the 3rd Sunday, he preached more than an hour. When some of the congregation asked about this, he responded:

The 1st Sunday, my gums were so sore, it hurt to talk;

The 2nd Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot;
The 3rd Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... I couldn't stop talking.

Marriage

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornado, and hail.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Why Complain

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said: "When we were first married, I came home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

So Tired

One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair: "Oh, dear, I'm so tired!"
Her husband looked over at her: "I had to conduct a special service last night and three today, and give a total of four sermons. Why are you so tired?"
The Pastor's wife rolled her eyes at him: "Dear, I had to listen to all of them!"

Room for More

"I don't go church anymore. Perhaps you have noticed that, Pastor?" boasted a wandering member.

"Yes, I have noticed that." said the Pastor. 
"Well, the reason I don't go is because so many hypocrites there." 
"Oh, don't let that keep you away. We have room for more." replied the Pastor with a smile.

不看就知道

晚餐後輪到媽媽和女兒洗碗, 爸爸和兒子在客廳看電視. 突然聽到碗跌破的聲音, 爸爸說: "去看看是誰弄的?" 兒子說: "媽媽." 爸爸問: "你不看就知道?" 兒子說: "不是媽媽的話, 她已經在罵人了."

自由女神

在美國, 老中因文化背景, 生活習慣, 思想方式, 各方面的差異, 有時講話會找不到適當的英文字來表達. 有位老中去紐約出差, 想順便參觀自由女神像. 向旅館櫃台問路, 不知道該講Statue of Liberty, 比手畫腳了半天沒法溝通, 情急之下, 脫口而出: "I'm looking for the Free Woman."

53719

會計教授說, 數字並不是冷血的, 是會講話的. 他讓大家討論, "53719"怎麼解釋最貼切. 一陣七嘴八舌後, 正要認定"我深情依舊"是最佳選擇時, 人堆裡又冒出一個說法: "我疝氣已久".

青春鼓王

很久以前, 台北某西餐廳的駐唱樂團, 鼓手是位不苟言笑的長髮美女, 冷冰冰的, 但是迷死一堆人. 她打鼓時, 偶而頭髮遮住眼睛, 會很死相的把頭往這邊一昂, 再把長髮往那邊一甩. 台下眾無聊男子, 都為這個動作瘋狂. 當年小李在許多追求者中, 獨獲青睞, 被眾人尊為情聖, 紛紛求教. 原來, 小李寫了封很短的信向美女示愛, 信中用了最俗氣的字眼"青春鼓王"讚美她, 然後故意把"鼓"寫成豆豉的"豉". 台灣大多數的人叫"豆豉"為"豆屎", 所以"青春鼓王"成了"青春屎王". 美女收到信後, 又好氣又好笑. 這麼沒水準沒氣質的人, 究竟是何方神聖? 一時好奇, 就上當了.

[註] 按照字典, "豆豉"的發音竟是"豆尺", 據稱"豆屎"是江西口音???

軍中笑話經典

新兵訓練中心裡, 合理的操練叫訓練, 不合理的操練叫磨練, 班長整小兵是家常便飯.

班長: "前面那棵大樹看見沒有?"

小兵: "有!" (哇! 起碼兩百公尺.)
班長: "30秒鐘, 左邊去右邊回!"
30秒鐘後, 小兵氣喘如牛: "報告班長! 我回來了."
班長: "大樹說什麼?"

小兵: "報告班長! 沒有啊?"

班長: "30秒鐘, 左邊去右邊回! 混蛋! 去給我聽清楚!"

30秒鐘後, 小兵幾乎癱掉: "報告班長! 我回來了."
班長: "大樹說什麼?"

小兵: "報告班長! 大樹請班長去一趟, 有話要親自對班長說."

Little Johnny Playing Church

Little Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. 

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later, she heard loud meowing and hissing. She ran to the window and saw Johnny was baptizing the cat in a tub of water. 

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!" 

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

太棒了

校長要頒獎給第一名的畢業生, 連續叫了三次, 學生才上台領獎. 校長關心的問他, 是不是身體不舒服沒聽清楚. 學生說: "不是啦! 這個感覺實在太棒了, 我怕其他的同學沒聽清楚."