假如

亞當和夏娃是廣東人多好, 那我們這會兒可能還在伊甸園呢! 因為蛇還來不及說話, 就被他們吃掉了.

無奈

老媽: "兒子啊! 媽知道他們是詐騙集團, 可他們和你不一樣, 至少他們先和我聊天才騙錢."

老公: "什麼? 一分鐘沒多久? 那是因為妳蹲在廁所裡面, 我站在廁所外面啊!"

老婆: "結論? 結論是我不和傻瓜爭辯, 省得別人搞不清楚誰是傻瓜..."

情人: "很高興妳走進我的世界, 可我沒讓妳在裡面走來走去啊?"

朋友: "有什麽不開心的事嗎?  說出來讓大家開心一下."

世界變了, 人們在臉書上彼此熱烈問候, 碰面卻各自低著頭看臉書.

愛不愛我

小王的老婆, 在婚前就常問他: "你到底愛不愛我?" 他總是回答: "愛!" 婚後十年, 他老婆還是常問, 小王的回答聽起來也還是沒變: "唉!"

飲水思源

李醫生是社區裡唯一的小兒科醫生, 這陣子因為很多小孩兒出麻疹, 診所門庭若市. 有一天,

王太太: "李醫生, 你為我兒子治麻疹的帳單可不可以打個折?"

李醫生: "每一位出麻疹的小孩兒, 我收的費用都是一樣的, 是有什麼特別的理由嗎?"

王太太: "嗯, 我兒子在社區小學第一個出麻疹, 是他傳染給其他一百多位同學的."

起床了

小王和老婆冷戰, 好幾天沒說話. 這一晚, 老婆已睡, 小王在她的床頭櫃上留了個條子: "鬧鐘壞了, 請七點叫我起床." 第二天早上九點, 小王氣急敗壞的從床上跳下來, 看到那個條子在他的床頭櫃, 上面多了一行字: "七點了, 起床了."

富二代

有位富二代公子哥兒, 在俱樂部吃晚餐時, 問服務員: "妳收到小費最多的一次是多少?" 服務員: "100美金." 公子哥兒給了她200美金後: "別忘了告訴那小子, 是我小王破的記錄!  對了, 那小子是誰?" 服務員: "王先生, 也是你."

同曲異工

小王的老婆在冰箱門上貼了一張很大的Poster, 是一位美女展現身材的清涼照, 激勵自己少開冰箱的門拿東西吃. 一個月後, 她輕了6磅. 可小王重了6磅, 因為他在冰箱前停留的比從前久.

腦殘

一位漂亮的婦人, 牽了狗逛Farmers Market, 在選蘋果的時候, 狗在旁邊對蘋果聞聞舔舔, 攤位主人很不高興, 請她注意. 婦人不好意思的把狗往後扯了扯, 小聲的喝斥: "No, no! 蘋果還沒洗, 髒髒!"

醉

小王深夜醉酒回家, 一路跌跌撞撞, 臉上有多處瘀傷. 到家時老婆已睡了, 小王用膏藥把那些瘀傷都貼起來, 早晨時若是能消腫, 老婆就不會知道他醉酒了. 沒想到半夜老婆上完廁所回床, 一腳把他踢醒: "死人! 你又喝醉了是不是?" 房裡一片漆黑, 小王不解的問: "妳怎麼知道的?" 他老婆說: "浴室的鏡子上, 貼了好幾片膏藥!"

說到做到

有位男子臨終時要求把名下的存款陪葬, 他太太答應了. 安息禮拜時, 她放了一個盒子在先生的遺體上. 朋友們想勸她: "妳真的要把錢留在裡面嗎?" 她說: "既然答應他了, 一定要做到, 所以我寫了一張支票留在盒子裡, …"

求婚

Rose: "Mary, 妳和John在一起這麼久, 他向妳求過婚嗎?"

Mary: "他喝醉的時候有. 他清醒時從來沒說過要娶我."

父親的智慧

有位高中生, 剛拿到駕照, 向父親借車,

父親說: "我要觀察一個月, 頭髮剪短, 天天讀聖經, 成績有進步, 車就借你."

一個月後, 他再向父親借車,

父親說: "你天天讀聖經, 成績也進步了, 可是你的頭髮還沒剪短."
兒子說: "我有想過, 可是摩西留長髮, 參孫留長髮, 耶穌也留長髮."
父親說: "是嗎? 我也想過, 他們不管到哪裏去, 都是用走路的."

復活

有位老美陪岳母去耶路撒冷旅遊, 他的岳母完成了多年的心願後, 在當地去世了. 當他在安排遺體運回美國的時候, 一位猶太人的殯葬業者向他遊說: "運回美國要五千美金, 葬在耶路撒冷只要五百美金." 省錢省事, 老美非常心動. 猶太人加重語氣繼續說: "你願意為岳母花五千美金, 你一定很愛她. 這使我想起兩千多年前, 有一位人被埋在這裡, 聽說三天後他復活了, …" 復活? 老美決定不冒這個險, 還是將岳母的遺體運回美國.

免費或半價

一位媽媽第一次帶五歲的女兒參加主日崇拜, 奉獻袋傳來時, 女兒好心地提醒媽媽: "媽咪, 別忘了我只有五歲, 應該免費或半價."

麻煩大了

一名醉醺醺的男子衝進警局說: "我喝糊塗了, 用棍子打蒼蠅, 結果一棍子打在我老婆頭上." 警察抓住他大聲問: "你把她打死了?" 男子打著酒嗝: "就是沒有, 這下麻煩大了, 救救我, 趕快把我關起來."

別有用心

病人: "醫生啊! 你叫我把舌頭伸出來, 怎麼這麼久了, 你看都沒看一眼呢?"

醫生: "噢! 我只是想要妳別講話, 讓我安靜的把藥方寫完."

Cuz

Little Johnny arrived at Sunday school late. Teacher asked him what happened. He said that he had been going fishing with his dad. And, his dad told him that he needed to go to church. Teacher was so impressed and asked if his dad had explained to him why it’s more important to go to church than fishing. Little Johnny said: "Yes, he did. Cuz he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

夫妻肺片

Kids ran away screaming when they heard the name of this dish in English: 
"Husband & Wife Lung Pieces".

請關手機

有位傳道人, 面無表情, 大聲的對會眾說: "聽我講道之前, 我有一個要求, 請大家把手機關掉,"

會眾面面相覷, 心裡開始論斷, 只聽傳道人接著說: "以免影響你周圍的人睡覺."

聖經知識

牧師一再強調不能不讀舊約, 提供了各種課程來幫助大家, 可惜沒什麼果效. 有一天, 兒童主日學老師review上個星期講的約書亞記, 他突然指向Little Johnny問: "是誰推倒了耶利哥城牆?" Little Johnny 急忙申辯: "不是我! 我沒有!" 主日崇拜後, 他和Little Johnny的母親分享這事, 她坦護的說: "如果Little Johnny說不是他, 那就不是他了." 主日學老師告訴牧師, 牧師雖有憐憫之心, 還是笑到癱掉. 這時執事會的財務剛好經過, 牧師就和他分享這事, 沒想到他聽完後毫無表情的說: "那就請人把牆修好, 帳單寄給我就是了."

生命的最後一天

有次牧師帶小組查經時問: "假如今天是你生命的最後一天, 你會做些什麼?"

弟兄姊妹們輪流發言, 不是大吃一頓, 就是趕快把錢花光光, 牧師聽了不住摇頭嘆息.

輪到小王: "我會想聽您講道." 真是有點肉麻, 弟兄姊妹們聽了都摇頭嘆息.

想起自己每次講道時, 小王不是頻頻看錶就是睡的不省人事, 最終總算知道要悔改, 牧師當場哽咽: "是嗎? 為什麼?"

小王囁囁嚅嚅的説: "因為時間會過得比較慢."

用心良苦

小王的女朋友常勸他信主, 有一天他需要郵票寄信, 女朋友翻開聖經, 拿出一張夾在裡面的郵票給他.

小王問:「Wow! 是不是又想告訴我, 需要幫助的時候, 只要翻聖經就好了?」
女朋友說:「是啊! 我的錢也夾在裡面.」

小王問:「妳告訴我做什麼? 不怕我偷啊?」
女朋友說:「翻聖經的人不會偷東西, 偷東西的人不會翻聖經.」

Flight Training

I knew I had finally made progress with my flight training the day my instructor turned to me and said: "You know, you're not as much fun since you stopped screaming."

智慧

小李的老婆想做隆胸手術, 要10萬塊錢. 他心裡不同意, 口裡不敢說. 下班回家交給老婆一筆錢, 老婆點了後問: "怎麼只有5萬?" 小李說: "最近家裡預算緊, 妳先做一邊, 等年底公司給Bonus, 再做另一邊."

Well Behaved

Fully tuned up in a 3-day spiritual retreat held at a resort, 3 Pastors spent the last evening on the golf course. After several horrible shots, their caddy asked:
"Are you guys Pastors attending the retreat?"

"Actually, yes," one of them replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

All Your Fault

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed.

A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.

Say Grace

辜鴻銘先生(1857-1928), 是中國近代一位精通多種語言的國學大師. 早年剛來美國留學時, 他的Host Family請吃飯. 大家坐定後, 主人請他Say Grace (做謝飯禱告). 他不懂, 也從來沒聽說過主人家有一位Grace. 猜不出意思, 大家又都低著頭閉著眼睛在等他, 辜先生只好眼睛一閉, 大聲說: "Grace."

進出口

基督徒可以不說話, 但是說話時不可以說謊. 小王失業一陣子後, 只要朋友問: "最近在做什麼?" 他就很不自在, 不回答又怕朋友不自在. 後來再有朋友問, 他就說: "在家做點進出口." 好奇心重的, 馬上會問: "進口什麼?" 小王說: "食品." 還不死心的, 會接著問: "那出口呢?" 小王說: "肥料."

鑽石手環

有位姊妹需要動手術. 辦住院手續時, 醫護人員要幫她戴手環. 姊妹很緊張, 但故作輕鬆, 她問:「上面有鑽石嗎?」醫護人員說:「沒有, 不過價錢可能差不多.」

Flip the Switch

Service leader started differently this Sunday. He asked congregation to take out their cell phones and said: "Now is the time to turn off the technology and turn on each other."

難哪

小李快四十了, 還沒娶老婆. 有一次團契時, 弟兄姊妹紛紛為他出主意, 小李說: "沒用啦! 我認真約會過好多位了, 每次帶新的回家, 都是我爸覺得不錯, 但是我媽不同意." 有人問: "那為什麼不找一位各方面都像你媽的?" 小李洩氣的說: "早試過了, 只有那次是我爸不同意."

New Dentures

There was a Pastor just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The 1st Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The 2nd Sunday, he only preached 20 minutes. But the 3rd Sunday, he preached more than an hour. When some of the congregation asked about this, he responded:

The 1st Sunday, my gums were so sore, it hurt to talk;

The 2nd Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot;
The 3rd Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... I couldn't stop talking.

Marriage

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornado, and hail.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Why Complain

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said: "When we were first married, I came home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

So Tired

One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair: "Oh, dear, I'm so tired!"
Her husband looked over at her: "I had to conduct a special service last night and three today, and give a total of four sermons. Why are you so tired?"
The Pastor's wife rolled her eyes at him: "Dear, I had to listen to all of them!"

Room for More

"I don't go church anymore. Perhaps you have noticed that, Pastor?" boasted a wandering member.

"Yes, I have noticed that." said the Pastor. 
"Well, the reason I don't go is because so many hypocrites there." 
"Oh, don't let that keep you away. We have room for more." replied the Pastor with a smile.

不看就知道

晚餐後輪到媽媽和女兒洗碗, 爸爸和兒子在客廳看電視. 突然聽到碗跌破的聲音, 爸爸說: "去看看是誰弄的?" 兒子說: "媽媽." 爸爸問: "你不看就知道?" 兒子說: "不是媽媽的話, 她已經在罵人了."

自由女神

在美國, 老中因文化背景, 生活習慣, 思想方式, 各方面的差異, 有時講話會找不到適當的英文字來表達. 有位老中去紐約出差, 想順便參觀自由女神像. 向旅館櫃台問路, 不知道該講Statue of Liberty, 比手畫腳了半天沒法溝通, 情急之下, 脫口而出: "I'm looking for the Free Woman."

53719

會計教授說, 數字並不是冷血的, 是會講話的. 他讓大家討論, "53719"怎麼解釋最貼切. 一陣七嘴八舌後, 正要認定"我深情依舊"是最佳選擇時, 人堆裡又冒出一個說法: "我疝氣已久".

青春鼓王

很久以前, 台北某西餐廳的駐唱樂團, 鼓手是位不苟言笑的長髮美女, 冷冰冰的, 但是迷死一堆人. 她打鼓時, 偶而頭髮遮住眼睛, 會很死相的把頭往這邊一昂, 再把長髮往那邊一甩. 台下眾無聊男子, 都為這個動作瘋狂. 當年小李在許多追求者中, 獨獲青睞, 被眾人尊為情聖, 紛紛求教. 原來, 小李寫了封很短的信向美女示愛, 信中用了最俗氣的字眼"青春鼓王"讚美她, 然後故意把"鼓"寫成豆豉的"豉". 台灣大多數的人叫"豆豉"為"豆屎", 所以"青春鼓王"成了"青春屎王". 美女收到信後, 又好氣又好笑. 這麼沒水準沒氣質的人, 究竟是何方神聖? 一時好奇, 就上當了.

[註] 按照字典, "豆豉"的發音竟是"豆尺", 據稱"豆屎"是江西口音???

軍中笑話經典

新兵訓練中心裡, 合理的操練叫訓練, 不合理的操練叫磨練, 班長整小兵是家常便飯.

班長: "前面那棵大樹看見沒有?"

小兵: "有!" (哇! 起碼兩百公尺.)
班長: "30秒鐘, 左邊去右邊回!"
30秒鐘後, 小兵氣喘如牛: "報告班長! 我回來了."
班長: "大樹說什麼?"

小兵: "報告班長! 沒有啊?"

班長: "30秒鐘, 左邊去右邊回! 混蛋! 去給我聽清楚!"

30秒鐘後, 小兵幾乎癱掉: "報告班長! 我回來了."
班長: "大樹說什麼?"

小兵: "報告班長! 大樹請班長去一趟, 有話要親自對班長說."

Little Johnny Playing Church

Little Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. 

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later, she heard loud meowing and hissing. She ran to the window and saw Johnny was baptizing the cat in a tub of water. 

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!" 

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

太棒了

校長要頒獎給第一名的畢業生, 連續叫了三次, 學生才上台領獎. 校長關心的問他, 是不是身體不舒服沒聽清楚. 學生說: "不是啦! 這個感覺實在太棒了, 我怕其他的同學沒聽清楚."

刺青

老王年輕時, 英俊瀟灑, 走在時代的尖端, 小腹刺了一朵玫瑰, 故作神秘, 讓異性粉絲更為之瘋狂, 以看到他的刺青為榮. 四十年後, 大學同學會時, 老王肚大腰圓, 風釆不再. 大夥兒提到那朵玫瑰, 他感傷的說, 圖案被肚皮撐大後, 常常被問為什麼刺了一顆包心菜, 倒足胃口, 早已動手術去掉了.

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday school teacher asked her class: "Where is Jesus today?"

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out: "I know! I know! He's in the bathroom."
The teacher was completely at a loss and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said:
"This morning, my dad banged on the bathroom door and yelled 'Jesus, you still in there?'."

Annoying

Little Johnny followed his mom all around the house and asked questions:

When watched his mom combed her hair,

"Mommy, mommy? Why daddy has no hairs on his head?"

"He thinks a lot."

"Oh, I see why you have so much hair."

When watched his mom smoothed cold cream on her face,

"Mommy, mommy? Why do you do that?"

"Making myself beautiful." his mom answered and then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"Giving up?"

真情告白-手機簡訊版

1) 當我第一眼看見你, 就被你深深的吸引. 你的一舉一動, 都讓我忍不住想多看你兩眼. 現在, 我终於鼓起勇氣來對你說, 哇! 你真得很胖耶!

2) 最近總是想你, 我知道這樣不好, 但是不把心裏的話告訴你, 我會難過一輩子的. 不管你的決定是什麼, 我都不會勉強你, 如果你真的有困難, 那兩塊就別還了.

3) 在我最失意的時候, 你總是陪伴著我; 在我最需要幫助的時候, 你總是拉我一把; 千言萬語說不盡, 只想告訴你, 自從認識你後, 就沒發生過一件好事兒, 請你不要再來找我了!

中文拼音

聽說, 有位老美去台灣學了一個學期的中文, 回美國的前一晚, 宿舍裡的台灣同學們, 很溫馨的合送了他一份禮物, 讓他感動不已. 早晨離開前, 他用中文寫了一個謝卡留在桌上: "這是有屎以來, 糞量最重的禮物, 讓我大吃一斤, …"

我們非結婚不可

一對男女剛開始交往, 相談甚歡,

女:「我初戀的男友, 是開牛肉麵店的, 他和別人結婚後, 我發誓從此不再吃牛肉麵.」

男:「哦! 那妳第二位男朋友呢?」

女:「他是開計程車的, 他棄我而去後, 我自己買了部摩托車, 從此不再坐計程車.」
男:「嗯, 這樣子我們非結婚不可.」
女:「為什麼?」
男:「因為我是賣衣服的.」

女生的謙卑

如果長的好看是一種錯, 我已經鑄成大錯 .

如果可愛是一種罪, 我已經犯了滔天大罪 .
做人真難, 還是像妳沒錯也沒罪的比較好,

好羨慕妳喲!

得與失

精神病院的護理長, 向新上任的院長解說每位病人的狀況.

有位病人手中拿著一張照片, 邊哭邊用頭撞牆, 護理長說: "無論是醒是睡, 他都不肯把照片放下, 因為他深愛著照片中的那位女人, 但那位女人卻嫁給了別人, 他就發瘋了."

這時, 隔壁房間的一位病人, 也開始邊哭邊用頭撞牆, 新任院長問護理長: "那這位是怎麼了?"  護理長說: "就是他娶了照片中的那位女人."

也曾轟轟烈烈

小王單身, 平時不怎麼說話. 40歲生日時, 同事們請他吃飯. 一輪乾杯之後, 被解除了心防, 透露了他過去的感情生活, 原來也曾轟轟烈烈. 35歲之前, 就有三位女性要為他犧牲自己.

15歲, 英雄少年時, 有位女生願意為他去死, 她意志堅定的說: "走開啦! 你再來纏我, 我就死給你看!"

25歲, 負笈留美時, 有位女生願意等他一輩子, 她溫柔委婉的說: "想當我男朋友? 那要等到下輩子了!"

35歲, 生意失敗時, 有位女生願意和他共赴黃泉, 她白睛發赤的說: "再不還錢, 我就和你同歸於盡!"

Shots for Brothers

There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and every time I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"

Chickens With Heads Cut Off

One time, this was how an Evangelist started his preaching: "Someone said my sermons were like chickens with their heads cut off. Once you think the sermon was done, it just jumped back up and ran in another direction. I know what a good sermon is: It should have a good beginning. It should have a good ending. And they should be as close as possible. But, …"

講章

主任牧師渡假回來, 教會長老告訴他說: "上個主日崇拜, 一切順利, 只是代理主任牧師傳講的信息沒什麼內容." 第二天, 代理主任牧師告訴他說: "上個主日崇拜, 一切順利. 因為我沒時間準備, 只好用了桌上那份你下週要用的講章, 希望你不介意."

神賜靈糧

某基督教機構辦研討會, 邀請函的最上方, 是會議的主題: "神賜靈糧"; 最下方, 有一行小字: "午餐自備".

寶貝

有位老美, 到一位老中家做客. 主人向他介紹家裡的古董:

"這是唐朝的桃木桌子."
"Gosh!"
"這是宋朝的檜木椅子."
"Wow!"
"這是元朝的樟木箱子."

"Awesome!"

..., 老美注意到, 每件寶貝的後面, 這位老中都加了一個"子".

過了一會兒, 主人的太太為客人上茶, 老美看到她戴的手錶很名貴,

立刻讚美說: "好漂亮的錶子!"